The other night, Kyle and I listened to an Abraham Hicks recording on relationships. During the video, a woman asked a question about not getting what she wanted in a relationship, and the answer was basically…do what you love. It reminded me that one of my mentors, Amir Zoghi, has said exactly the same thing…Think you have a problem? Go do what you love. Period. If I get out of other people’s business and do what I love, I’m happy. And free.
But is it that simple?? What about if my partner is upset, or angry of unhappy? Let’s discuss.
When you invest significantly in anything in which you’re attached to the outcome—let’s take the stock market as the most obvious example—suddenly you’re checking on it all the time, wondering—no—needing to know how it’s doing. You do math (omg)—profit/loss calculations…you feel anxiety or elation depending on its performance…you care. You’re tied emotionally to something you have no control over (which can be fun, until it’s not). At the very least, it takes up a lot of mental and emotional space, not to mention time. And if you care a lot, it can feel like life or death. It’s why people commit suicide over stock market crashes.
Many of us are very much invested in our relationships, particularly when that relationship is of the romantic variety. Unattached investment in relationship is beautiful, but if we’re invested in and attached to our partner’s perception or experience, it’s a recipe for disaster.
It’s common to habitually allow a partner’s experience to determine our own mental/emotional state.
Common, but not necessarily healthy.
Clearly there are times when it’s appropriate and even necessary to base our own decisions on a another’s actions or feelings; if my partner is abusing me, I’d better get the hell out of there. But there’s a large swath of grey zone where it’s perhaps less clear and where we often don’t lead ourselves, falling victim unnecessarily to our partner’s process.
Here’s the thing:
It’s about investment, and we can uninvest.
We can be interested, supportive AND uninvested in our partner’s emotional state or experience. While I want to be lovingly curious about it, my partner’s process is his business. Mine is my own. We can choose our own course and own our own experience regardless of the other person’s process. Even if their process is about US. I certainly want to hear my partner’s experience, be there for him as a supportive sounding board and also see if anything resonates for me to look at in myself (anything that triggers me is something I am doing also, usually to myself), but if I’m attached to and invested in how he sees me, how he sees himself or anything else, I’ve handed over the wheel to something outside of me; I’m a slave to the market. I’m also going to be in a lot of pain, or at best my experience will be a rollercoaster—depending on my partner’s experience.
Exhausting, and so much unnecessary pressure on my partner and the relationship.
Taking back the steering wheel and uninvesting in others’ experience frees up time and energy to invest, without attachment, in our own. Whatever vibration we’re investing in is what we’ll get back—and everything out of alignment with that will eventually fade away, fall off or disappear.
If I’m investing my time and energy in low-level activities (including being out of my own business and nervously monitoring and analyzing my partner’s emotional state or experience—or my own, for that matter—rather than allowing feelings to be felt and move through without adding content) and giving air-time to low-level thoughts and fears, that’s exactly what I’ll reap: fear and low vibration relationships and experiences. But if I’m un-attachedly investing time and energy into wholeheartedly doing what I love, living new realizations, enjoying excitements, discussing things I enjoy, that vibration comes back to me. Anything below that vibration either doesn’t show up on my radar or is easily dispelled.
Investing in my own experience looks like this: I’m hiking instead of on FB, writing rather than complaining to a friend, eating healthy, nourishing food rather than junk etc. I’m pulling the weeds from my well-tended, nourishing garden, crowding out less-awesome experiences with NLS (Next Level Shit). When emotions kick in, I feel them and allow them to move through without mentally hooking in to the story and giving them content (meditation, meditation, meditation).
My life experience is going to skyrocket.
It has to. And while I’m rocketing, my partner can be in whatever process he’s in and I can lovingly inquire about that because that’s his experience and I love him and want to support him, no matter what he’s going through. And if we’re both rocketing? Magic. But because I’m investing continuously in high-vibration everything, I’m not dependent or co-dependent on his experience to enjoy and intuitively lead my own. As a side-benefit, I also might be inspiring people around me to up their game too, not to mention creating a kick-ass place for my relationship to flourish as well. In fact, I not only get to be madly in love with my own life, I get to free both of us to be ourselves with each other without the ugly pressure of needing. Hell yes, please. LiveLove&BU
Image credit ESImoney.com